Letting Go

I need to let this go. I need to close this chapter. I need to end this blog and start another , start fresh.

I feel that I'm in a different head space, and my mission is entirely changed. I want to write about more! I want to write things that make people want more. I started this blog as a motivator, a way to keep accountable, and ultimately a weight loss journey...but I am not defined by merely how I look, or how I feel and the fact that I ever thought I might be scares me. I am taking away so much good from this place, but with the good comes this tugging at my heart strings. I want more for me. I want to say the things I shouldn't or thought I couldn't out loud. I do not define my life inside one small part of it.. I am defined by so many other things, and I want to write about that. I want to write about the things I'm passionate about, but I also want to write for others. I want to make people laugh , and ignite something in them, give them reason to pause and think about their own lives in a different way. 

This blog was a place to record a journey, and a space to figure myself out within. 

I have found that. The beaten path has taken me somewhere else. My perspective has changed. 

I have changed for the better.

I will post the new blog address shortly. 

In the meantime. 

Find something that makes you want more. 

Just Be.

If I can take any piece of advice and run with it, this is it "Just be." 

My life as a whole lately has been unusually messy, I will admit. 
It seems to have no rhyme or reason, for a while this had my head in a spin. 
It's only now as I really take the time to slow things down that I see it. I'm quite skilled at the "smile and pretend everything is great" approach. Having practiced this approach for so long makes it easier to put your head down and just push through the stress, the hard truths, and the absolute chaos that life throws at you. But... if you put your head down for too long, when you look up and look around, your whole world has changed. Trust me, it's not cute! All the "pretending" in the world cannot cover up the pure and simple truth. For me that truth is I needed to SLOW DOWN. 

It took me a while to come around. I am a multi-tasker and I like to think that I am closely related to Wonder Woman and can take on anything and everything. I am NOT Wonder Woman,. this has become annoyingly obvious, I can't take on the world and I don't look very good in tights either...One person cannot conquer 100 things in any given week,(a gross exaggeration).. but you get where I'm going. 
I LOVE projects, and so I take on many. Too many... Add to that my need to take care of other people and make them very very happy... and voila.. Hurricane Erin. 
Complete and utter madness. 

How did I come to all of these alarming conclusions? 
It didn't come easy, and mistakes were made along the way. 
I looked up from my rose colored glasses, and my pretend to be okay smile.. 
and SHIT. Pardon my language, but what? 
What had happened here? 
The basics, the bones of my life if you will were intact... My family relationships still strong, check. Paul and I are happy, check. I have a roof over my head, check. I have a steady, good and fulfilling job I love, check. 
I am a well rounded, good hearted, well meaning person, check. That's where the list starts to get a little messy, and hard to read...
For all the good in my life, I had let the details go. 

I let stress go on for way too long instead of stopping, instead of saying hey! I need a break!. Bad bad Erin! I will admit my financial history has it's flaws, something I was happy to let slide, because in my mind I have all the time in the world to worry about money. Right? That is until I start to think about that house I want someday... and someday is getting a lot closer to now! Yikes! Follow that with my need to take on 100 different things at any given time, that adds to that generally tired and worn out feeling. Did I mention I don't sleep well? I often stay up late and well in to the night. I can definitively say I do not eat well enough often enough and my level of exercise is in a major decline. Last but not least, trying to keep up with friends while all of this whirls around my head, I love you friends, all of you, you know who you are and I hope that you still love me despite my current state. 
This is not a fun list..
I am beginning to look like the Top 1O What Not to Do Before You're 30! 

This is not where it ends. I promise, I like to end on a positive note. 
This is where the advice comes in. In all of this perceived mess, a calm voice asked me.. 
"What would happen if you just let things be?" " Just be." 
It was like a bright light in a dark hallway. Why didn't I think of that? 
Things are a little wild, and messy, but if I just let them be. What might come of it? 
Just be in it. I might come out a little calmer, a little brighter, a little happier on the other side. 
I have made mistakes. I have had a messy year, but it has still been a good year so far. 
No one is perfect. Someone else is always going through something bigger. Life is good and if it gives you lemons, make lemonade. So yes, to some my life would appear a cataclysmic mess. 
But it is my mess. I will just let it be, and take my time and I will be happier for it. 

Gratitude and Happiness

grat·i·tude

  [grat-i-tood, -tyood)

noun

the quality or feeling of being grateful or thankful

Synonyms 

thanks, thankfulness, appreciation, gratefulness.

I'm going to keep this short and sweet. I don't know where to begin, or how to put this thought out there with any degree of eloquence. I just ask that you examine your level of gratitude, take a closer look at your life and remember to show a little more gratitude. 

Think about a typical day in your life, and you may find the average comings and goings, the daily grind if you will.

Look closer and you might see a good conversation you had, a connection with someone you care about, a moment where you looked up at the clouds and felt the glow of the sun, the 10 minutes you spent having lunch, the 2 minutes you spent thinking about something you feel passionate about, the old lady that smiled at you in the grocery store, the roof over your head, the people that love you and you love in return, the friends you call on when you've had a bad day, your kids, your husband, your wife, your best friend, your family, the food in your fridge, the clothes on your back.... the point I'm trying to make is that we have an endless list of things to be grateful for. 

Being grateful doesn't mean forgetting your worries, putting on a pair of rose colored glasses and pretending the world is a perfect place. We all know that's not true. You're still going to have a bad day, the world is still at times a scary place,you are still going to have stress and worry.It is not a contest, to see who shows more gratitude and how, it is not mandatory. Gratitude is a simple thing to express, but in hard times it is difficult thing to muster. How can you be grateful when the world and your world is crumbling around you? You can try, you can find something small to devote it to. Showing gratitude won't change your life in an instant, but it might change your perspective. When you take time out of your day to think about the things you are grateful for, you begin to see how much good is a part of your day to day, you are not merely existing, you my friend are living. 

This thought and this concept has come up in my mind time and time again over the last few months. What does gratitude mean to me? What does it mean right now? 

Gratitude means being aware of the good in my life, and expressing love and appreciation for that good, whether it is someone I care about, or a good book and a sunny day. Right now being grateful is entirely encompassed in my current living situation. Paul (my boyfriend of many years)recently moved in. 

We are living in my parents basement. While not an ideal living situation for most, especially at 28 ( I was living on my own at 23 and swore never to take a step backward)..but I am happy and I am eternally grateful. I am grateful for the roof over our heads, for the support of our families, and for the pure and simple joy of spending a little more time with my parents. 

I am grateful for the stress it has taken off Paul's shoulders. 

I am grateful that we have somewhere to live a life TOGETHER. 

At the end of all of the bad days and stress and worry, and life's hard knocks, all you really have is each other. 

You will always have the people you love, your friends, your family, the people you work with, whoever makes up your circle, they matter. 

You can live in a beautiful house with everything you have ever dreamed of, all of the money you could ever need, and you may not ever really be happy. Happiness is about the people you spend your time with, and the way you live your life, the love and awareness you have for your own well being, it is about your values and your sense of self. Happiness and gratitude go hand in hand, if you are grateful chances are you will be a little bit happier because of it.  

What does gratitude mean to you?

What are you grateful for? 

I Found You. My "AHA" Moment. Ps. SENTIMENTAL CONTENT WARNING..

Sometimes it takes a little soul searching before you find that missing piece. I spent the last few months here feeling like I was missing something. Missing the drive I felt last year, missing the love that pushed me further. Not the love of others, I have plenty. 
The love that started this blog, the love that inspired me to make real change. I was looking in all the wrong places. Much like I have said before in regards to self confidence, you can't find love, or motivation in the pursuits of others. I wanted so badly to be deeply  inspired by someone , so inspired that I would just pick up where I left off. I wanted someone else's adventure in health and happiness to be my jumping off point. It just didn't happen. 

I have been waiting, and all the while I HAVE been inspired, I have friends who are eating clean, and exercising more than I am, and inspiring me daily! I just couldn't find what I was looking for in their pursuits, even when I became a part. I signed up for Yoga with a friend, Natacha, hoping that would be it, the little push I needed so badly. Yet still life, and work, and work, and life found a way to keep me busy, and tired, and invested in other things. Until today, something hit me hard, and then there it was, I found you! 
I finally find that piece I was looking for. 

I spent my day feeling tired and drawn out. After work I went out, had my nails done and picked up some essentials, then feeling mildly relaxed I considered and weighed my options for the rest of the night... Natacha invited me to Yoga, the problem is the Thursday teacher makes me crazy, he is nice, he has good intention, but for my needs he just talks too fast and has a static tone. I need a calm sultry voice to get through a yoga class, someone to reassure me that I don't look like a bean bag chair trying to fold up inside itself. (FYI Boobs and extra long legs make Yoga a feat of acrobatic impossibility..) 
So as much as I wanted to join the ladies adventures in Yoga, I decided striking out on my own was best. 
What to do? 
I considered calling the workout off, and staying home, pajamas, my bed and a cup of tea sounds nice.. but something told me No! Go! 
So I decided on Moksha, the first Hot yoga class I have ever tried had been there. So I put on my yoga pants, a tank top, no bra for comfort sake and frankly who cares in a 9:30 class??? Ha ha! 
I got in the car and put on the tunes, and made my way to the heavenly studio, an hour later, laying out on the hardwood, glowing and half asleep, I found my "AHA" moment! I found the missing piece!
I LOVE the way I feel afterwards, the automatic smile,the peace and calm, the afterglow is my missing piece! I found it because I was willing to venture out on my own, I needed to be alone to find it, I needed that reminder that I AM DOING THIS FOR ME, BECAUSE I LOVE MYSELF, I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF AND I LOVE THE WAY I FEEL, NOW, TOMORROW, AND EVERY DAY AFTER. Being myself, in my skin, in this body now,strong, happy and full of life. What's inside will always come first, but I have the power and the love to change the outside if I see fit, I also have the right to love the outside no matter what shape it comes in. And so do you, you have the right to love yourself, and others for that matter,unconditionally. 

Before I left the studio I wrote on a little red paper heart, and placed it on a branch, the question "why do you love yoga?" had been posed. 

I wrote " I love the freedom to enjoy my body in a still moment"
Because honestly, we don't take enough time to sit still and just be

Well on that mushy note, I bid you adieu.
Goodnight. 

xoxox Erin 

Short and Sweet

Happy New Year! 

I love the feeling that comes with a new year, like pushing a magical reset button, full of possibility. The first thing I need to start a new year is a fresh perspective, something that took a little longer to find than I had expected. With a little push and a pinch of inspiration I found it. I found inspiration in the motivation of others. I remember feeling that motivation last January, I remember wanting change. I remember, but for some reason I needed my friends and family to remind me where it came from in the first place. It came from a place of love, love for myself and my life and the pursuit of positive change, growth, and happiness. 

I am thankful for the push in the right direction. I

I am thankful for the motivation to follow my heart, to keep setting fitness goals, to keep love in my life, filling that life with soul searching beautiful experiences, to pursue my side business with a little more effort, to give back to others, to take better care of my relationships and to love whole heartedly. Those are my resolutions. 

One of my favorite things about the new year and a new start is a new Journal. 

Every year I start a journal, a real journal, handwritten and scribbled in. These journals take many shapes and most are unfinished. I always begin with such enthusiasm and good intent. 

Some of them are filled with sad stories and poems written, song lyrics I like, a grocery list, a phone number, an important date, a to do list. No journal is alike. Some of my favorite pages are the ones written during my hardest times. At times when I am feeling lost I make lists. I love to make lists! I covet the listography books at the bookstore, if you haven't seen them they are amazing, essentially a notebook that beckons you to make lists of things you love. I digress.. My (joy brawl - thanks autocorrect) did I mention I'm writing this on my phone.. 

My journal lists often take the shape of lists of goals, I always find it interesting when I come across them. I found one recently that listed 10 goals and I was thrilled to see I had achieved 6 of them! This is where I come around to my point, that writing for yourself is fulfilling. I find insight about who I am as a person in the pages written 2, 3 , 4 years ago.. I find myself changed and even a little bit grown up! Gasp! This year I bought a new notebook to serve as my journal, and it's stacked with pages that I can't wait to fill with lists and thoughts, scribbles and change. 

If you're not a journal writer, why not try your hand at blogging? 

What is your favorite way to start a new year? 

Well my friends, it's bed time and time I bid you adieu. 

Much love and Happy Friday. 

Erin 

Ps. In the next week you'll find at least two new posts: 

- random pictures and updates 

- a new plan for workout and health super hero status 

- maybe ... Some recipes.. 

Stay tuned! 

The Confidence You Find Within

Rihanna is deep..
I was having a deep inner dialogue with myself on my drive home today and I need to share some of it. I know those two ideas do not coincide, deep inner dialogue while driving home.. and while blasting Rihanna in the car. But it is what it is. The music got me thinking, because it is music I would typically work out to. The song "Diamonds" of all things, the lyrics, "Shine bright like a diamond" and "I chose to be happy"... Rihanna you are deeper than you let on. I have been focused lately on the topic of confidence, and what makes up a person's confidence, and here is the conclusion I have come to ultimately.

You have to find your confidence within yourself. If it turns out that your confidence level is a barely visible light inside of you, then you put work in to yourself, and shine brighter! 
This mean "meeting yourself where you are now", don't think about where you were, or how you'll never get to where you want to be. Focus on it one day at a time. You cannot allow the input and criticism of others to influence your confidence, nor should you let what others are doing or not doing influence it either. 
It is all about how you see yourself, what makes you happy, what makes your life fulfilling. Are you feeling fulfilled? 
If you can't find happiness and confidence in your life, in who you are and what you are doing, then change the channel, put some love back in to your life. Do the things you love, spend time with people who love you and accept you, find a job that fulfills something in you. The better you treat yourself the better you will feel about yourself and your life. Easier said than done in most cases, but it's food for thought. Put love in and you will get love back! 

Case in point: My current situation.. 
I have been battling with myself for months, feeling down, blue and frustrated, and guilty. Guilt about my "wagon" (healthy eating and weight loss wagon woot woot!) as I call it, falling off the wagon over and over has taken it's toll. "I was doing so well" I keep telling myself. I was truly, 6 solid months of on track health, and regular work outs, and 45 pounds down. I was on top of the world. But life comes in and makes a mess, and your plans and that feeling of being "on track" is gone before you can blink twice. 

I let stress get the best of me, it happens to everyone... 
I let things slide, and lost touch with what was important to me and vital to my health and well being. Sometimes the task at hand is all that matters, managing the stress and keeping my moods in check are number one. Meanwhile I was leading myself on the world's longest self imposed guilt trip. You know those days when you sort of talk to yourself, well I have said some mean things to myself... something I vowed never to do. 
I was feeling so frustrated with what in my mind was personal failure, that I failed to realize how mean I was being to myself. 
I have put back on 20 lbs of the original 45 I lost, there I said it.. and for months I have scolded myself for it. 
It took me a while to come to a place where I could accept this, 
so yes I put some of it back on, 20 pounds..and you know what, I lost it once and I can do it again. I know how to get there, 20,40,60 pounds bring it on! I was thinking about this class I'm taking today, Burlesquercise, and feeling rather terrified about my upcoming performance. A few weeks ago I had nearly backed out of the performance entirely, the ladies I know in the class aren't able to participate and I was panicking. I am not a dancer, I love to dance, but have never been trained to do so. I am clumsy, and silly and awkward. Something kept me pushing forward anyways, I signed up for this, I paid for this, and I want to do it, I want to get out there all dolled up in a costume and dance, so be it. No matter how ridiculous I might end up looking, I am doing it for me. I am going to dance my little ass off. 

This is where I come back to the words:
" meet yourself where you are now" and that means loving yourself the way you are now too, do NOT dwell on where you were or where you want to be, focus on now. What can you do now, who can you be now? Take it one day , one step and one little bit of love at a time. You have to find your confidence within and take care of it. Maybe that means speaking kindly to yourself, or spending extra time getting ready in the morning, leaving yourself reminders, taking a class, listening to music you love, making big changes, making small changes.. do whatever you need to find that confidence because with it you can move mountains. 

On a small side note: 
I had started a series of posts in response to 
Suger Coat It's Confident You series, http://www.sugercoatit.com/
but I am discontinuing them. I was finding in my writing that the posts were getting to be too deep and far too personal. I will continue to share my inner workings and insight, and just plain old ridiculous fun. But for me, the writings in response to hers I am going to keep for myself.  

With that my lovelies. 
I bid you adieu, until next time. 
Much love
Erin 

#3 - Find a Cheer Squad #confidentyou - Response Series

 Challenge #3 - Find a Cheer Squad
 http://www.sugercoatit.com/day-3-find-a-cheer-squad-confidentyou/

Suger says and I quote:

"Find people who love you. Or think you’re ok at least. And tell them of your mission for more confidence. This alone will take something. Telling people that you are working on your confidence takes admitting that it needs work. I’d always been quiet good at putting on a brave front. A plastered face of confidence that people rarely saw through but the truth was that I was terrified, panicking and sick." -sugercoatit.com

Truer words were never spoken. 
I have always been very very good at putting on the brave face, smiling and putting on the show. The song and dance is always the same, my cheery disposition and ridiculous nature are what people have come to expect. So sometimes even when I'm not feeling so cheery, I put on that show. But deep down, under the surface, I am afraid, and feeling awkward, and at times even a little depressed. I can't make conversation without stumbling over my words. Encountering another human being at a time like this is daunting, and brings on anxiety. The onset of these feelings is brief and fleeting, it's rare. Thankfully it never lasts for more than a month or so. The problem lies in the fact that it happens at all, that sometimes, for a month or longer I feel anxious,
socially awkward,frustrated,sad,down,blue,shy,ugly,overwhelmed... the list could go on. Why? Why does it happen?
The problem is that it does, and I don't always know why. 

This is where the cheer squad comes in, a group of people that you know you can count on, you can talk to, people you can turn to no matter what, the people that take you for you and embrace you whole heartedly. These people are the net that you fall in to. I am very fortunate to have many people I can turn to in times of need. My family is a close knit and endlessly loving and supportive one. I am blessed with an amazing extended family and friends who are family. I have a close circle of friends, each one I share a unique bond with, and I know I can talk to any of them at the drop of a pin. For me it's all in learning to talk, learning to tell the people I love that I need to work on me. It's very hard to admit when I'm a mess. 

It's even harder to tell someone else I'm a mess. 

So from here, my mission is to talk, to tell those near and dear to me when I'm not feeling 100% myself, to reach out for love and support when I need it. Because we are not alone in this. I need some work, I need confidence and sometimes I need some one to stand by me, and hold my hand.

Who do you turn to? 

Who is your cheer squad?

Are you honest with yourself and others when things aren't as they should be?